New and Old Friends

Yesterday I got to spend a lot of time with some old friends and new friends. It was a great day and I feel so refreshed from my time with friends.

First I got to eat lunch with my friend Kate, who I meet at Lipscomb when we were in college. I had not seen her in almost 7 years, but it was like no time I had passed when we got together to eat lunch and reconnect. She is now a nurse on the cancer ward at Cincy Children's. I am so proud of her and glad to have found her again. Emma loved talking to her and coloring with her too.

Then, last night I got together with some Mom's in my neighborhood, for a mom's night out. We snacked and talked at my friends Adrienne's house. We had some great drinks, snacks and awesome converstations. We shared news about our kids, tips on different issues, husbands, excersise, and so much more. It was after 11 before we all headed home. I left feeling so refreshed and ready to take on mommyhood again. Thanks ladies for a great night away.

Love and prayers
Rachel

So Smart

My little daughter makes me laugh all the time. She is so funny with her looks and facial expression, and she never forgets anything. This morning I was rushing around trying to finish getting me and Emma ready to leave for Story time. I had left Emma singing to Barney on my bed. I came back in and she had gotten inside my purse and gotten her handicap placard and was talking to it. Then, when I came in the room she told me that it was suppose to go in Meme's car. (we had used it with her car yesterday) Then, when we left she carried it to my car under her arm singing all the way. She is so smart!

Yesterday we took her application to her preschool, Emma wanted to get down and join right in. She just loves other kids!! She is so excited to start school in the fall. I am too! I might change my mind in the fall, but right now I am looking forward to picking her lunch box out, her backpack, and her outfits. However, I am sure when the day comes I might what to drive right by and keep her with me forever! I just keep telling myself it is only three days a week.

Emma has been in a great mood lately and is loving to be outside and playing. She squeals and laughs the whole time. She also loves to "run" with her daddy to the park!

I just love my little one and am so proud of how far she has come lately. She is talking so much more, standing longer and is even starting to cruise a little around furniture. So much going on with my little one and I am just along for the ride. Gotta run little one is awake!

Rachel

A First

Yesterday a decided to run a few errands with my sweet little Emma despite the overcast day. We had to run to Bellevue to go to Michael's (my favorite store) and the grocery store too. Emma and me had a blast shopping at Michael's and we great some great buys on presents for the family. Emma asked to go see the birds at the pet store nextdoor so we did that too. She loves to see the birds and other animals. By this time it had started to sprinkle but we headed to the grocery store anyway.

As we pulled in I remembered that I had put her brand new handicapp placard in the car, and decided to use it for the first time. It was so werid to put it in the window and pull into one of those parking spots. It was a hard decision to get one in the first place, she is in a wheelchair and does not walk, so we got one. She has gotten so big and hard to carry all the time and we thought it would help me from killing myself carrying her. However, it still seemed werid to use it. I wondered if people were thinking what is this young women doing getting out of a two door Honda with a baby doing parking in a handicapp spot.

It was so nice for me to use it though. I was able to move her in and out without hurting myself. I guess I will just have to get use to using it and not worrying about what people are thinking.

So, for the first time I used her handicapp parking. Werid but helpful

Rachel

I need to rant for a moment

Okay I feel the urge to rant for a minute, and this feels like the best place to do it. So bare with me for a few moments.

I am sitting her right now watching my adorable daughter playing in the floor and watching her favorite Barney. She is talking and singing and so very happy and content. You would never know she is so very ill and so medically fragile right now. Or that I might have to start holding her down four times a day to empty her bladder out for her.

I am feeling so angry right now that my happy little girl will have to start such a process and that this is forever for her. I have so many questions swarming in my head about what this will mean for her and all of us. I just want to scream at the moon or something right now. I know God is in control but I currently am angry at His path. Why should such a sweetie suffer so much? Why??? I really wish someone could give me an answer right now for that.

I love my big girl so much and I just wish she could just be a kid and not a kid with medical problems. I wish our only big problem of the day was which park to go play at?

There you have it, I am angry and very confused right now. I know it will pass but for now I want to scream and fight!

Rachel

How much more can I take?

I am not sure how much more I can take right now? Emma is my life and I feel that we can not get a break for her. We know are dealing with major bladder problems. WE found out today that she is not emptying her bladder and that is why we have had all the infections. So, know we decide which of the two options we have been given we choose. Neither is great but we have no choice we have to pick one.

I am so sad for my little angel. I just wish one thing was easy to fix or not a major life change. But no such luck. So, know I will have to figure out how to make this normal for her and us as well.

We are so sad right now and in shock, but I am sure at some point we will pick ourselves up and move on in some form. However, with each time we are knocked down medically with Emma it takes her Daddy and me a little longer to pick ourselves up. All of these decisions are weighing so heavy on us and so much is going on right now it is all a blur. Between this medical problem and her school stuff i really just want to run away or scream really loudly. Or maybe sit down and cry for a little while. I think her daddy and me will have many tearful nights as we talk this out and decide.

Calgoon take me away!

Rachel

I wonder??

I have thought a lot this week on how Mary, mother of Jesus must have felt while she watched him die on the cross?

I started thinking on this as I reflected on Emma's life up till now. I always think back on her birth and her NICU stay on her birthday, which was on Monday. Plus, I think back on all her surgeries etc too. So, as I thought back on how many times I watched them take my angel away for whatever she was having done, and how hard it was to do that, I wonder how Mary watched them beat and torture her son, Jesus?

I have also had the horrible experience of watching Emma stop breathing more then once. It was the worse few seconds of my life. How did Mary continue to live as her Son laid in a tomb for three days, before he rose from the grave Easter morning? How did she do it? I really would love to sit down and talk with her and ask her how she dealt with it all. She was a strong women that is for sure.

This Easter season I am so grateful for a God who loves us and cares for us no matter how many times we stray or stumble. I am so grateful for a God who holds my daughter's life in His hands and knows how all this medical craziness will end. I really wish I knew but He does and His plan is not always our plan. God is in charge and He is full of love!

Love and Happy Easter
Rachel

I have not forgotten

I will post soon about all that is going on, but I really do not have the time currently to do so. I promise things are a little bit better. I am doing my best to focus on the good and ignore the rest as much as I can.

A new day will dawn and it will better I pray!!

Peace, love and library books:)
Rachel