Friday, April 24, 2009

I need to rant for a moment

Okay I feel the urge to rant for a minute, and this feels like the best place to do it. So bare with me for a few moments.

I am sitting her right now watching my adorable daughter playing in the floor and watching her favorite Barney. She is talking and singing and so very happy and content. You would never know she is so very ill and so medically fragile right now. Or that I might have to start holding her down four times a day to empty her bladder out for her.

I am feeling so angry right now that my happy little girl will have to start such a process and that this is forever for her. I have so many questions swarming in my head about what this will mean for her and all of us. I just want to scream at the moon or something right now. I know God is in control but I currently am angry at His path. Why should such a sweetie suffer so much? Why??? I really wish someone could give me an answer right now for that.

I love my big girl so much and I just wish she could just be a kid and not a kid with medical problems. I wish our only big problem of the day was which park to go play at?

There you have it, I am angry and very confused right now. I know it will pass but for now I want to scream and fight!


Thursday, April 23, 2009

How much more can I take?

I am not sure how much more I can take right now? Emma is my life and I feel that we can not get a break for her. We know are dealing with major bladder problems. WE found out today that she is not emptying her bladder and that is why we have had all the infections. So, know we decide which of the two options we have been given we choose. Neither is great but we have no choice we have to pick one.

I am so sad for my little angel. I just wish one thing was easy to fix or not a major life change. But no such luck. So, know I will have to figure out how to make this normal for her and us as well.

We are so sad right now and in shock, but I am sure at some point we will pick ourselves up and move on in some form. However, with each time we are knocked down medically with Emma it takes her Daddy and me a little longer to pick ourselves up. All of these decisions are weighing so heavy on us and so much is going on right now it is all a blur. Between this medical problem and her school stuff i really just want to run away or scream really loudly. Or maybe sit down and cry for a little while. I think her daddy and me will have many tearful nights as we talk this out and decide.

Calgoon take me away!


Thursday, April 9, 2009

I wonder??

I have thought a lot this week on how Mary, mother of Jesus must have felt while she watched him die on the cross?

I started thinking on this as I reflected on Emma's life up till now. I always think back on her birth and her NICU stay on her birthday, which was on Monday. Plus, I think back on all her surgeries etc too. So, as I thought back on how many times I watched them take my angel away for whatever she was having done, and how hard it was to do that, I wonder how Mary watched them beat and torture her son, Jesus?

I have also had the horrible experience of watching Emma stop breathing more then once. It was the worse few seconds of my life. How did Mary continue to live as her Son laid in a tomb for three days, before he rose from the grave Easter morning? How did she do it? I really would love to sit down and talk with her and ask her how she dealt with it all. She was a strong women that is for sure.

This Easter season I am so grateful for a God who loves us and cares for us no matter how many times we stray or stumble. I am so grateful for a God who holds my daughter's life in His hands and knows how all this medical craziness will end. I really wish I knew but He does and His plan is not always our plan. God is in charge and He is full of love!

Love and Happy Easter