Tonight I light a candle for a very special reason. I am joining in a movement of light for all those families who have sufferend some form of pregnancy or infant loss. 1 out of 4 women suffer a miscarriage and I am one of them. A little over two years ago, I rejoiced with my husband and family, that we got pregnant, my heart was overflowing with joy. I was carrying another little baby and could not wait to welcome them into our family. At my first appt, I mentioned a few pains, so she sent me on to have a quick check on ultrasound, and my husband and I were thrilled to get a peak of our little one. The clerk told us nothing and proudly sent us home with our pics. However, a few hours later, as I stood alone in my kitchen, I got a phone call I will never forget. It was my OB's nurse calling to inform me that they believed that the baby was not going to survive, it did not apear healthy and growing at the correct rate for my date, but they would give me a week to see what happened. I stood stunned, my oh so happy day, just turned to a dark day. I barely was able to call Daniel and squeak out what the nurse said. I was sobbing over what could be happening.
I honestly do not remember much of those following days, as I prayed and prayed to have the Lord heal my unborn child. I also tried hard to get through the day with my then almost 4 year old. The day arrived of the next appt, and we could see right away on ultrasound that the baby had passed. The poor lady who was doing it, she quietly confirmed it and then left the room for us to gather ourselves. I clung to Daniel sobbing and our tears mixed together as reality hit, our sweet baby was now an angel. I remember being taken the back way to my OB's office and her trying to get us to schedule the next steps. I just wanted to crawl into bed and never get up. My heart was breaking and so was my sweet husband who was trying so hard to be strong, but his heart was breaking as well.
The days that followed were hard, as we told the few family and friends who already knew of my pregnancy, I had started to share since I was around 10 weeks. I also had to go in for a D&C which was heartbreaking. I was just lucky to have such wonderful support of my husband and family. Without my mom, especially, I think I would have just crumbled during those days. I really dont have many memories those first few days following the loss, besides crying and crying and crying in the shower. I never wanted Emma to hear me.
Those weeks and months following were hard. My heart felt broken, and my body was going through major changes as it shifted back to non pregnant. I was just a mess. Slowly I was able to move forward, but the pain is still there. I wonder often what the baby would have been a girl or a boy? Etc etc. I cling to the hope that when I get to heaven the baby will be waiting for me to hold and love. Till then I know my family that has gone to heaven before me is loving on them and helping the baby know their parents love them.
So tonight I light a candle and break my silence and share my story in hopes that someone out there realizes they are not alone. The pain is real and never leaves. Just because we did not give birth and hold them close, does not make them less of our baby. I loved the baby I lost from the moment I realized that I was pregnant and rejoiced with Daniel of our love growing inside me. He or she will always be a part of me and I know that someday my family will be complete. Till then I honor the baby I lost by being the best mom to their siblings. I may be a mom of two to most people but I am really a mom to three and love them all today and everyday.
Tonight I light a candle and ask you to do the same! Love to my angel baby, mommy and daddy love you more then words will ever express!! We miss you and long to hold you in our arms! Tell Jesus hey for us!