Worries

Okay! I admit that I am a wreck about her starting school on Monday. Those who know me should not be surprised. I am a control freak and do not like to have no control over what will happen while she is at school. I use to not be this bad, but when your child has medical and physical problems you become worse. I trust the school and feel that they will do a great job, but still it is not me or family:)

As the day gets closer I have millions of thoughts running through my head: I am worried about what to pack for lunch, will she eat it, will the other kids play with her, will she cry, will she be left in her chair on the playground and not taken to slide, how will her health hold out, will they change her diaper enough, will she be worked with, will she like her new therapist, and the list goes on and on and on. I am not sleeping well due to all the thinking.

I know that this my all seem crazy since she is only there for three hours a day. But she is my special little fighter who has faced so much in the past and I am just scared.

I am sure it all will be okay and I am losing sleep for no reason. I really do trust her new school. I am excited for Emma. I am sure she will love it all and do just wonderful. She loves kids and loves to play.

Just a little rant

Rachel

Night Time Visits

The last couple of nights Emma has been visiting us in the middle of the night. She, without making noise, gets out of her bed and scoots on her bottom all the way across our house to our room, and I wake up to her tugging on my covers. It is so werid to have her be able to get to us at night. However, it is so funny to see the smile on her face because she is so proud of herself for making it to mommy and daddy. It is a little scary though to have her wake us like that. Now, I am waking a lot to look to see if she is in our room, and I am having dreams of finding her laying on the floor in the living room asleep or something. But she willing goes back to her room with a little drink and a fresh diaper. So, far she has done this four times. I must admit that I find it funny to have her sneaking out of her room to find us.

I am also loving it since, it is such a normal three year old behavior to have her getting out of bed. That is something new for us, but I am loving this normal behavior. Yes, I am sleepy but smiling inside and out that my baby girl is so big and such a toddler.

We are having to be more careful of leaving doors open since she is getting up, but so far no injuries or messes. Just fun and freedom.

She did pull to stand beside her toddler bed from sitting on the ground. Big step for Emma and we are so proud of her and her little legs. Keep up the good work!

Love and more nightime visitors
Rachel

Big Girl Now!!

What a week! This past Friday we bought Emma a toddler bed at a yard sale. It is white wood and so cute. It has a few scratches but nothing big. Emma loves it! The first night was rough though. She got out of it and was in the middle of her room at two a.m. I heard her and went in there and she just smiled, like looked what I can do now. Her feet are able to reach the floor when she gets to the end and she scoots off onto her bottom, just for your FYI of how she gets out. (that is why we bought a toddler bed instead of a twin, they are lower to the floor). Then, she decided she did not want to sleep and stayed up for over an hour staring at me, while I sat in the floor and did the Nana 911 one method of sitting in the room, but not looking at the child. At three when Emma was still not sleeping, I gave in a put her in her crib and let her cry it out. She lasted a few minutes and then gave in to sleep. However, the last four nights she has sleep all night in her bed. She does still wake up for water and a diaper but she goes right back to sleep in her big girl bed. She has not fallen out yet, but we have caught her with her legs almost off the bed, but she was asleep. So we have adjusted well to a big bed with no sides. (well it has small sides on the head part). I am even now able to sleep okay and not jump up every time she rolls over to see what she is doing.

Nap is still not going well in the toddler bed, but I am not giving up. Emma is not a fan of napping right now anyway. I think I will make Daniel take the crib down now and just have her toddler bed in the room. Finally One less baby item:) Sad but a great moment for us all as she is finally able to do more things like her peers.

She is doing great with her crawling. She really likes it now. It is still weird to see her on her hands and knees and not just her bottom scooting. She still scoots on her bottom more then crawl, but she is still crawling. It is odd to have a much more mobile child, after all this time with her not so mobile. I love it all though. She is really pulling up more and more too. She is so close to pulling up to stand by furniture. Right now she can only get into tall kneeling, but that is great too!!

We meet with her school to start getting to know each other and working out issues we will face. Emma got to meet her teacher and her classmates too. They told the children about her chair and they all told her their names. Then, Emma got to meet the art teacher that comes twice a week to do art with the kids, and she sat in on part of a music class too. They get music, art and chapel once a week as well as their classroom activities. She loves her school already and I pray she still likes it when we leave her there:) I am a wreck about it but so excited too. I just keep telling myself, that it is only on MWF from 9-12. I will survive and Emma will thrive.

My sweet little baby is getting so big! Mommy is wishing for those days of bottles and sweet little snuggles. Luckily she still gives snuggles once and awhile, when you can get her to slow down for a few minutes.

So many changes but all good and well past time! My little angel!

Rachel

working it out

I am picking up more and more hours at the Library I work at. I am loving working in a job that involves books and is near home. It is actually the library that my mom's best friend started many years ago. I use to volunteer there as a child and have many memories of being there with her. She passed away before Emma was born and I miss her everyday. But being there is like being in her presence and following in her footsteps.

Anyway, I am loving learning the ins and outs of how to catalog books and so forth. It is a lot more work then I ever dreamed off. However, Emma is having a hard time with mommy being gone. I am never gone for more then 7 hours but to her it feels like forever. Luckily my parents, his parents or Daniel have her at all times. But she always wants to know "where mommy go?" (one of her first sentences by the way) I hope she learns to adjust to me being gone, but it has been rough so far. Even though her grandparent spoil her while I work:) Lots of McDonald's and Barney:)

To me working the ten or so hours a week is helping my self-esteem so much. It allows me to step away from just being mom and be Rachel for a few hours. I also get to take a step back from all the stress of her medical conditions causes and I get to focus on something else for awhile.

Do not get me wrong I love being a stay-at-home mom and would not trade my time at home with Emma for anything, but it is nice to get awhile for a few hours. I mean I only work for about 10 hours a week at the most right now. PLus, a few of those Emma is with me for storytime:) This is good for me and Emma since she will be in school in the fall three days a week and she needs to be use to leaving me for a few hours, since right now she is always with me which is the way we like it:) Emma and me against the world.

Please pray she adjust soon and stops yelling at my husband to go get mommy:)

Rachel

New and Old Friends

Yesterday I got to spend a lot of time with some old friends and new friends. It was a great day and I feel so refreshed from my time with friends.

First I got to eat lunch with my friend Kate, who I meet at Lipscomb when we were in college. I had not seen her in almost 7 years, but it was like no time I had passed when we got together to eat lunch and reconnect. She is now a nurse on the cancer ward at Cincy Children's. I am so proud of her and glad to have found her again. Emma loved talking to her and coloring with her too.

Then, last night I got together with some Mom's in my neighborhood, for a mom's night out. We snacked and talked at my friends Adrienne's house. We had some great drinks, snacks and awesome converstations. We shared news about our kids, tips on different issues, husbands, excersise, and so much more. It was after 11 before we all headed home. I left feeling so refreshed and ready to take on mommyhood again. Thanks ladies for a great night away.

Love and prayers
Rachel

So Smart

My little daughter makes me laugh all the time. She is so funny with her looks and facial expression, and she never forgets anything. This morning I was rushing around trying to finish getting me and Emma ready to leave for Story time. I had left Emma singing to Barney on my bed. I came back in and she had gotten inside my purse and gotten her handicap placard and was talking to it. Then, when I came in the room she told me that it was suppose to go in Meme's car. (we had used it with her car yesterday) Then, when we left she carried it to my car under her arm singing all the way. She is so smart!

Yesterday we took her application to her preschool, Emma wanted to get down and join right in. She just loves other kids!! She is so excited to start school in the fall. I am too! I might change my mind in the fall, but right now I am looking forward to picking her lunch box out, her backpack, and her outfits. However, I am sure when the day comes I might what to drive right by and keep her with me forever! I just keep telling myself it is only three days a week.

Emma has been in a great mood lately and is loving to be outside and playing. She squeals and laughs the whole time. She also loves to "run" with her daddy to the park!

I just love my little one and am so proud of how far she has come lately. She is talking so much more, standing longer and is even starting to cruise a little around furniture. So much going on with my little one and I am just along for the ride. Gotta run little one is awake!

Rachel

A First

Yesterday a decided to run a few errands with my sweet little Emma despite the overcast day. We had to run to Bellevue to go to Michael's (my favorite store) and the grocery store too. Emma and me had a blast shopping at Michael's and we great some great buys on presents for the family. Emma asked to go see the birds at the pet store nextdoor so we did that too. She loves to see the birds and other animals. By this time it had started to sprinkle but we headed to the grocery store anyway.

As we pulled in I remembered that I had put her brand new handicapp placard in the car, and decided to use it for the first time. It was so werid to put it in the window and pull into one of those parking spots. It was a hard decision to get one in the first place, she is in a wheelchair and does not walk, so we got one. She has gotten so big and hard to carry all the time and we thought it would help me from killing myself carrying her. However, it still seemed werid to use it. I wondered if people were thinking what is this young women doing getting out of a two door Honda with a baby doing parking in a handicapp spot.

It was so nice for me to use it though. I was able to move her in and out without hurting myself. I guess I will just have to get use to using it and not worrying about what people are thinking.

So, for the first time I used her handicapp parking. Werid but helpful

Rachel

I need to rant for a moment

Okay I feel the urge to rant for a minute, and this feels like the best place to do it. So bare with me for a few moments.

I am sitting her right now watching my adorable daughter playing in the floor and watching her favorite Barney. She is talking and singing and so very happy and content. You would never know she is so very ill and so medically fragile right now. Or that I might have to start holding her down four times a day to empty her bladder out for her.

I am feeling so angry right now that my happy little girl will have to start such a process and that this is forever for her. I have so many questions swarming in my head about what this will mean for her and all of us. I just want to scream at the moon or something right now. I know God is in control but I currently am angry at His path. Why should such a sweetie suffer so much? Why??? I really wish someone could give me an answer right now for that.

I love my big girl so much and I just wish she could just be a kid and not a kid with medical problems. I wish our only big problem of the day was which park to go play at?

There you have it, I am angry and very confused right now. I know it will pass but for now I want to scream and fight!

Rachel

How much more can I take?

I am not sure how much more I can take right now? Emma is my life and I feel that we can not get a break for her. We know are dealing with major bladder problems. WE found out today that she is not emptying her bladder and that is why we have had all the infections. So, know we decide which of the two options we have been given we choose. Neither is great but we have no choice we have to pick one.

I am so sad for my little angel. I just wish one thing was easy to fix or not a major life change. But no such luck. So, know I will have to figure out how to make this normal for her and us as well.

We are so sad right now and in shock, but I am sure at some point we will pick ourselves up and move on in some form. However, with each time we are knocked down medically with Emma it takes her Daddy and me a little longer to pick ourselves up. All of these decisions are weighing so heavy on us and so much is going on right now it is all a blur. Between this medical problem and her school stuff i really just want to run away or scream really loudly. Or maybe sit down and cry for a little while. I think her daddy and me will have many tearful nights as we talk this out and decide.

Calgoon take me away!

Rachel

I wonder??

I have thought a lot this week on how Mary, mother of Jesus must have felt while she watched him die on the cross?

I started thinking on this as I reflected on Emma's life up till now. I always think back on her birth and her NICU stay on her birthday, which was on Monday. Plus, I think back on all her surgeries etc too. So, as I thought back on how many times I watched them take my angel away for whatever she was having done, and how hard it was to do that, I wonder how Mary watched them beat and torture her son, Jesus?

I have also had the horrible experience of watching Emma stop breathing more then once. It was the worse few seconds of my life. How did Mary continue to live as her Son laid in a tomb for three days, before he rose from the grave Easter morning? How did she do it? I really would love to sit down and talk with her and ask her how she dealt with it all. She was a strong women that is for sure.

This Easter season I am so grateful for a God who loves us and cares for us no matter how many times we stray or stumble. I am so grateful for a God who holds my daughter's life in His hands and knows how all this medical craziness will end. I really wish I knew but He does and His plan is not always our plan. God is in charge and He is full of love!

Love and Happy Easter
Rachel

I have not forgotten

I will post soon about all that is going on, but I really do not have the time currently to do so. I promise things are a little bit better. I am doing my best to focus on the good and ignore the rest as much as I can.

A new day will dawn and it will better I pray!!

Peace, love and library books:)
Rachel

Bring on the Rain

I love this photo of Emma,it is from her friends Kadence's birthday party. She loved hiding out in the "tent". I can not say I blame her right now, since we are spending more and more time at the doctors.

The other night, while starting to clean out what is suppose to be our office/art room, I heard a song that really fit my current life. It was "Bring on the Rain" by Jo Dee Mesina. The part I really loved was: The battle lost but not the war, so bring on the rain"

WOW !! That is my life to a tee right now. So, much is going with Emma, but we are not really getting any real answers or solutions. We just keep finding out new things about her or something new to try to make it better, but no real explanations as to why or how to fix it all for good. You can read all about what is going on with her on her website , but I do not feel like going into it all here.

So, anyway, I feel that I am fighting a battle that is never going to be won. We make advances and we get kicked back but the war is still going on and the war will never end. We will fight till my girl is well. However, the rain is falling on our family hard and fast. We are not sure where to hide, but we are hiding together (her daddy and me that is) We spent the weekend trying to not drown, but it is really hard. We are not sure where to go or what to do next. We are constantly having to either give her medicine or do her treatment for her belly. We are seeing so many doctors right now it is making us all crazy, Emma included.

So, where do we find shelter from this rainstorm? I am not sure, but someday the rain either has to stop or at least slow done right??

Rachel

I might run away:)

Life is such madness right now, I can not possible write about it all. Let's just say we are in doctor craziness. We have either seen or will see almost everyone of her doctors this month. Which has brought up a lot of new and stressful matters.

When I have some answers I will write all about it, till then pray we are able to find out answers to many unanswered questions we have. Also, pray that the stress of so many doctor's visits will not affect Emma to much. She does okay but it is still scary for her.

Daddy and me are really tired from the stress and the no sleep (Emma is having night terrors at night). We are so worried and confused right now with what is best for her health and her education as well (that is a whole other battle we are in). She is a very complicated girl and it seems to always get all crazy at the same time.

This is making all of us worry a lot and really hope that we soon no something to do to help her. I am so worried about her, but I really wish I could just take her away and hide at the beach. Or as her daddy said last night, "I wish I had a magic wand to fix it all right now"

I really wish we could make it all disappear even for a day or two and live in a world not full of doctors and pain. Like I said I might run away! A mom friend of mine said she would gladly help me escape even it was for an hour:) I might have to do it! I really need a moment to relax and refocus. My brain is all jumbled and crazy right now! This mom and me took a mommy break a few weeks ago and it did a world of good for us both. We both have children who have unique traits and we are able to share many of the same frustrations and fears, it is always nice to share with someone who is able to understand what you are saying. Even if it is only an hour, it will still be nice to run away! I swear I will return. I love my family to much to run away for good.



Love and craziness
Rachel

Life is Crazy

Things have been really busy and weird at the Zook household. Emma has been off and on very ill lately. So, we are making the rounds with a few of her specialist to try to get to the bottom of all of this before we all go crazy. Her not being well has really made making plans hard. We are basically having to wait to see how she is doing in the morning to plan anything. So, play dates are not really happening right now, which is sad for Emma and me! We really miss our friends.

I am trying hard to adjust to my new schedule at the library. But trying to find time to work on crafts, book choices, and so on, is really hard. I am still trying to fit it all in, but mostly I am staying up late to get it all done after she goes to sleep. I love my work, but it has been a really long time since I did it, and I am a lot slower then I use to be:) Call it age or extreme exhaustion (Emma still wakes up at night) :)

Anyway, we have a lot going on in the coming weeks. We see a lot of doctors and we have her big dates with Metro. March 3rd is her testing date, and then the 24th is her big meeting:( I am still sad that she is about to be added to the Metro schools system. She is so young, but I guess I am going to have to learn to let go a little bit! I am not happy about it though. She needs so much help, and I do not want her ignored.

Emma is learning so much right now! She is starting to sort by color and like items too. She is learning more of her letters every week. She already knows that M is for mommy, d is for daddy, o is for Owen, e is for Emma, and b is for ball. WE are working on a few others but she is still not getting them. She has learned to say hooray when we sing "If you are Happy and you Know it" which is so cute! She just screams it so loud and clear.

She makes me smile and brings me so much joy. I am really feeling better mentally, but very tired right now. I really wish she would sleep better and let me and daddy sleep too. She is trying to give up her nap, but mommy says no!!!!!!!!!!! NOT YET!

I hope all is well in your life. May God bring you rest and peace!

Rachel

craft time and mom's new job

The photos above are of Emma standing at the window waiting on daddy. This is her new favorite thing to do. I like it since she is using her legs and standing on her own. She loves to look for daddy and wave when he gets home. The other photo is of her hand after a painting session! She loves to do crafts and express her creative side.

This week has been okay. Emma is still trying to get her stomach empty from being stopped up. So, we are changing a lot of diapers! We got her braces, and we have wore them once with no tears! They really stretch her out and make her work, so she is not to happy about them, but she is getting use to them little by little.

I am mentally doing a little better. I am just trying to focus on how funny and loving my sweet girl is. I am spending a lot of time just hugging her, loving on her, and spending quality time with her and the family. We have been working on lots of Valentine's crafts and she is loving to be painting and coloring. She makes me laugh so much when we do crafts. She gets so excited but hates to touch the paint. I tried finger painting with her the other day and we had to use brushes. Then she went wild. She really has a real artist side, and I love to bring it out and let her explore it. We keep coloring books and crayons at her little desk all day long and she sits there for hours doodling and coloring. (she gets it from me, I love to do crafts)

I am proud to announce that I will be taking on all the story times at the library I work at. I am so happy. Now I will be working two weekends a month and every Thursday. It is not a lot of money but it will help a little. Plus, Emma can go with me and be with me the whole time. I am still hoping to gain a few hours working the desk, but I am still being trained. It is fun work and I love it. I love books and kids so it is perfect for me to work there.


I better go, Emma is about to wake up and I need a snack first.

Rachel

never boring

A few weeks ago we went to see the surgeon that did Emma's spinal surgery before her first birthday. We meet with him to discuss her MRI and if he could tell us why she is not walking still. He is a great surgeon, but not the best person to talk to (that is putting it mildly). Well, he told us that according to her MRI's she should be walking and he see's nothing to stop it, but that there could be underlying nerve damage that would not have showed up on the test he did. Then, he told us she could or could not walk he did not know.

This was a hard thing to be told. We have known that it is a reality that she might not walk, but we have really never been told by a doctor that. So, where do we go now is the big question. After talking with a few of her therapist and friends we are pursuing a new doctor that deals with motor delays. He has been told about us and thought he could offer some help. We are waiting now to get an appointment. We hope that he will want to do some testing on her nerves to see if they are all working right. We really believe that she has some nerve damage, and we just need to know where or if to make sure we are doing the best therapy methods.

So on the medical front, we continue to look for answers and we do not give up on her walking. On the emotional front we have had a rough few weeks. It really hit me hard that my sweet angel my never walk or run. I have cried many tears over the thought that she might never have dance recitals, play soccer, or run to hug me. All things I have been dreaming of for so long. I also do not want her to have to struggle for the rest of her life with her mobility. Yes, most places you can get around in a wheelchair, but not places like the beach or skiing:) Plus, I do not want her to be made fun of or looked at funny. I want her to have it all! My heart is just so sadden and broken for my sweet Emma who wants so badly to run and play like her friends. She does not know that she can't, which is good for now. We treat her like nothing is different about her way to get around and most of her friends accept it as normal. We have worked hard to make it all normal for her and it seems to be working.

Mommy might be sad but life has to go on and we have to much going right to stay down for long. I know that I will continue to grieve what might not every happen, and I know that grieving is okay. I just have to deal with it the best I can. Which, is normally to not sleep, cry late at night, and love on my Emma.

I am emotional still running a little high, but getting better everyday. It is really hard to stay upset when Emma is so funny and full of life. Yes, it is sad to think your baby my never walk, but she does great in her walker and wheelchair. So, we wait on more news and never give up hope.

That is part of what has been going on in my life lately. It has really been weighing on me and I just was not ready to write about it till tonight.


Love and tears
Rachel

long time no writing

So sorry that I have not posted lately. My emotions are currently running quit high and ragged. A lot has been going on with my family and friends and I just do not have words to put with my feelings. But wanted to let everyone know that I was still around.

Emma is doing okay. She is not liking all the cold and icy weather we are getting currently. We are staying in a whole bunch and Emma really wants to "bye, bye, go" We had no PT this week due to the weather, so Emma is off the hook for another week on her new braces:)

That is about all I can say for now. I will write soon, about everything else going on. Till then, please pray for peace and understanding for my family.

Rachel

My new favorite store!!

Well, there is a lot I could write about, but words can not express the joy and the sorrow I have been faced with this week. My friends and family have had many ups and many downs this week, and at some point I will share more but I need to process it all before writing. Just pray for peace for all!

Anyway, Emma is much better! Thank you God! So, yesterday we left her with her Nana and Daddy and mommy went to town to run errands. My family goes to this bookstore in town to trade out books for store credit and then buy new/used books. The place is called McKay and it is crammed full of books, dvds, cds and much more. It is great and cheap. I have been with my mom a few times, but have not traded in my own stuff yet. So, we headed there first, and i made over $20 bucks to spend on some items. That might not sound like alot, but I bought Emma five new books,a new craft book for toddlers, a new movie, and myself a book too, and I still have ten bucks left for next time. I love when you spend a little and get a lot!

What a great deal I found. I basically use items I would have donated to goodwill or somewhere and turned into money to buy new books for Emma and I to enjoy. I bought her some used Barney books, since it is our new passion in life! Then, when she gets tired of them, I can take them back and buy her whatever is her new passion. I loved the time looking around and exploring all the used books and dvds. It is so much fun for me to be around all of it. I love to read and so does Emma.

I can not wait to go back and find some new/ used treasures.

Go and read a new book today!

Rachel

Sick Baby

Life is never calm at our house. Emma has the cold that will not go away. She actually has gotten quit worse instead of better. So, we are doing a lot of holding and movie time right now, till she is better and wants to play.

So, I am getting a lot of quality time with my little toddler and lots of snuggles, but not a lot of sleep due to her bad cough. She is not sleeping well at all which means neither are her parents. We are just hanging in. I feel bad for daddy who goes to work for a long ten hour day after little sleep. I am however, happy that he helps me out at night with her. Thanks daddy!

I did get the phone call today to set up her IEP meeting and testing to start in Metro schools. It makes me really sad to realize that she is about to be to old to be in TEIS anymore and that she will be a part of Metro Schools. Scary thought for sure! I use to be a teacher in metro and I never thought I would worry about her being in the system, but at her age and her limit mobility I am weary of what or where they will want to put her. There are many options and till they talk to us I guess I can not worry to much. We do know what we would like to see happen, which would be to put her in a preschool a few days a week, not a school five days a week. I am not ready for her to be gone all week long, but she will need to be in some type of program to get the therapies she will still need. I am worried though due to her not being able to communicate with us, at this point, what is going on when she is not with us. Not to mention her not being able to run and play like all the other kids. We have so many worries about her being away from us and I am so scared. But I have a few months to get use to the idea. Not that it will make it any easier. So, for now I worry and wonder till she turns three in April. Till then she is my baby and my baby only:)

Love and prayers to you and your family
Rachel

Weird Comments!!

Last weekend my little family meet Daniel's parents, sister and nephew at Red Lobster to celebrate my birthday. We sat down at the table to eat and the waitress asked us if Emma had nose surgery? Well, at first I was so confused about what she was talking about and then, she said I see the scare on her nose. Then, the light bulb came on and I realized that she was talking about the line down her nose that is part of her skin condition (it is a really long name, but basically Emma has two tones of skin and she is what we call swirly).

It was funny to have someone ask us about it. I forget that she has two tones of skin, to me it is normal for her and I do not see it anymore. So, it took me a moment to remember that it does not look normal to others. So, we told the lady that no she has not have nose surgery, but that she has a funny birthmark. Then, she went on to tell us about her daughter who has a weird birthmark too. Then, we went on with our dinner.

Later that night we laughed about the fact someone actually asked us about it, even though at the time it made me annoyed. However, I would rather have someone ask us about Emma then sit and whisper about or speculate about her.

This was not the first or the weirdest comment we have had told to us or overheard. We got a lot of comments when she wore her cranial helmet when she was younger. We got a lot of comments then and some not so nice. I guess I should be use to it, but every now and then it bothers me. I hate that someday she will not have us to shield her from the comments that might be harsh or unkind. But till that day my job is to shield her from comments from people who should think before they speak.

Love till Later
RZ

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I am another year older. Yes that makes me 28. Wow I am getting old! My husband loves it, because for the next six months I am older then he is. I married a baby:)

So far it has been a good day. We went to lunch at Ruby's and went shopping at the Goody's in Dickson too, my parents took us to lunch. I am not feeling great but trying to enjoy the day regardless. Not sure what the rest of the day will bring, but I am sure it will be great. Just chilling with the family and enjoying being alive. 28 years ago my mom went into labor with me and 12 hours later they took me via c-section at a little after 8 pm. I was stubborn and did not want to come out!! What is funny is that Emma was also born via c-section at 8:16 pm too. Funny how that happens!

I am not were I thought I would be at this age, but I am happy were life has decided to lead me. I never imagined being a stay-at-home mom, but I am and love taking care of my little angel. I always thought I would have at least two kids by this age, but God had another plan for sure. My little one needs the all my attention and that is okay. I like being a family of three!! I love were I am in my life right now. It took me a while to become content but I am there. I am currently starting to work on a book about Emma in her wheelchair, and I hope to even try to get it published if it turns out good. My goal for my 28th year is to find a why to use being a special needs mom as a ministry of some sorts to help other families and to write children's book that showcase special needs children. There really is not a lot of books out there that have special needs kids as the stars.

So happy birthday to me and thanks mom for trying so hard to get pregnant with me and so sorry I made you get a c-section:) I like being difficult.

Here is to being another year older!



Rachel

Here is to a Happy 2009

I sat last night reflecting on 2008, and there was a lot of wonderful things and some not so wonderful things too. Emma has changed so much this year and she has had some ups and downs too.

The worst part of this year has to have been when I watched Emma almost code after her last major surgery. Her pulse dropped to zero. The crash cart was brought in and I was moved to another area as I sobbed very loudly. Luckily she came back very quickly. That happened a few times before she finally stopped. I on the other hand took a few days to recover from the whole episode. To watch your child almost code is a very scary thing.

The best part of this year, has had to been watching Disney on Ice with her. It was a fun day as a family to take her to her first stage show. She was so in awe.

Or maybe it was her learning to use her wheelchair and or her walker, and the freedom both give her. OR maybe it is just her being so cute and funny like she is everyday of the week.

Actually, I think the best part of the year is any part that does not have to do with either a doctor visit, therapy session or hospital stay. Last year we did only have one overnight stay at Vandy, and it was about four days long after her kidney repair surgery. She had two outpatient surgeries, countless tests, therapy sessions to numerous to count or add up, and many visits to her specialist. She added two new therapies to her schedule and finally dropped OT from her days. Which was great since it use to be her biggest problem area and it was her first one to drop.

We had a lot of fun! We had lots of play dates with friends, trips to the park, hours on end at her grandparents being spoiled, art projects, cooking fun, hikes in the woods, and so much more. We have watched her get bigger and older! She finally is in two toddler cloths!! Yippee!!! She has added new words and new tricks too. She is starting to act older, she loves her babies and playing pretend with them. She loves her kitchen and all her other big girl toys too. Everyday she makes me laugh and wonder what she will do next. She is full of surprises.

We hope 2009 will bring no hospital stays at all. We hope no surgeries either!! We pray she will get better mobility in some form to give her the freedom she wants. We pray that Daddy gets the promotion he really wants at the YMCA and that I pick up more story times at the library too. We hope to spend more time as a family relaxing and not just time at therapy or at the doctors. We want to start family movie nights on our couch with popcorn. All in all we want less stress and more fun

I pray that you and your family have a wonderful year full of fun and memories!

Rachel Zook